Monday, August 18, 2008

Roundtable Discussion on the Anti-Christ: Michael Phelps or Barack Obama? - Part 1

Who is the Anti-Christ? I recently posed that very question to a panel of some of the biggest names in Christian ministry. Typically, I keep this kind of information confidential, or put it on a CD and charge $7.99 for shipping and handling. But I'm feeling real generous today. So sit back and enjoy:

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Well, I guess I'll just throw it out there and get your responses. Here's the question: Who is the Anti-Christ?

John Hagee: It's Obama bin Laden. No doubt in my mind.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Don't you mean, Barack Obama?

John Hagee: Oh, I'm sorry, Ken. Yes, Obama.

Creflo Dollar: Why, because he's black?

John Hagee: A little touchy, eh? No, Creflo, it has nothing to do with his African-American heritage. It's because he is a Muslim.

Creflo Dollar: Where, in the Bible, does it say the Anti-Christ will be a Muslim?

John Hagee: Are we limiting our answers to what's in Scripture? Is that in the rules, Ken? Because if it is, well, that's a problem. Help me out here, brother.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I'm sorry, Creflo, but I think I'm gonna have to side with John on this. Heck, if we're sticking to the Bible, this is gonna be a very short conversation.

John Hagee: That's right. You know that whole "dual covenant" thing? I just made that up! And before you go casting stones, Creflo, the words "bling, bling" don't appear anywhere in the Bible.

Joyce Meyer: Boys, can we please get back to the subject at hand? I've studied this out and I'm certain that Michael Phelps is the Anti-Christ.

Paula White: You think so? Oh, he's a hottie!

John Hagee: Both of you, shut up. I have high-level sources in the Knesset, as well as our own State Department, who tell me Osama is definitely our man.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Obama! O-B-A-M-A!

Benny Hinn: I heard that kid's worth $40 million. My people are already in touch. Ha!

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Michael Phelps, you mean?

Benny Hinn: That's right.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, Joyce...I'll bite. Why do you think Michael Phelps is the Anti-Christ?

Joyce Meyer: Well, first of all let's take a look at his birthdate. Michael Phelps was born on June 30. Not counting the zero, that would be represented numerically as 6/3. Now let's look at his height. Wikipedia says he's 6' 4", but that's wrong. It's actually 6' 3". All right, so let's add all that up: 6+3+6+3. Expressed another way, that would be 6+6+6. Ergo, Michael Phelps is the beast.

Benny Hinn: Okay, but what about the $40 million?

Joyce Meyer: Not a problem. My accountants have been looking into that. Actually, he's worth $39 million. What's nine minus three, Benny?

Benny Hinn: Six?

Joyce Meyer: Very good. Here's something else to look at. We all know Satan disguises himself as an angel of light, don't we? And who is the most powerful angel in the Bible?

Bob Jones: Emma?

Joyce Meyer: No, Grandpa...it's Michael.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That's pretty impressive, Joyce, especially for a little lady.

Joyce Meyer: I'm gonna ignore that last comment, although I must say that's pretty funny, coming from you, Ken. Here's the clincher. Look at Revelation 13:1. It says: "Then I saw a beast coming up out of the sea." Did you get that, guys? Coming out of the sea. Hello? Michael Phelps is a swimmer!

Paula White: I have a picture of him swimming in the ocean.

Joyce Meyer: And then there's his connection to the Olympics. As you know, the Olympic Games are closely associated with paganism and idolotry.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Really?

Joyce Meyer: Absolutely. For the first hundred years or so, anyone participating in the games had to do so without a shred of clothing.

Bob Jones: Were there women? Naked women?

Paula White: Personally, I think Christians are entirely too uptight about the whole nudity thing. The human form is a thing of beauty. It's God's design.

John Hagee: I have never heard such a load of crap in all my life. Michael Phelps isn't even a Muslim.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, give it your best shot, John. What about Obama?

John Hagee: First of all, Obama is a Muslim. Now, think about that. He's a Muslim. That is really, really bad. Remember the World Trade Center? Does the phrase "9/11" mean anything to you guys, or have you already forgotten?

Benny Hinn: But Obama claim to be a Christian, doesn't he?

John Hagee: Exactly!

Benny Hinn: What?

John Hagee: Don't you see? That's exactly what he wants us to believe. He's trying to hide his Muslimness so he can take over the United States.

Jack Van Impe: You guys make me sick. Can I bring out my charts now, Ken?

John Hagee: Here's something else. What do you call the absence of light?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Darkness?

John Hagee: Bingo!

Creflo Dollar: What are you saying?

John Hagee: Well, black is the color of darkness. Not that there's anything wrong with being black per se. I'm just saying Osama doesn't look like the founding fathers. In the Bible, black is always associated with evil.

Creflo Dollar: You, sir, are a racist!

John Hagee: I have almost 144,000 friends in Israel who would beg to differ.

Paula White: Well, I think Obama is a very handsome man. Even if he is the Anti-Christ.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: What's his net worth, John?

John Hagee: I thought you'd never ask. It's $15 million.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I see. Benny, can you run those numbers?

Benny Hinn: Sure, Ken. 1+5=6. Wow! He's right.

Paula White: I heard he was having trouble in his marriage.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Shut up, Paula! Now, what about his birthday, John? Anything on that?

John Hagee: Actually there is, Ken. It's very interesting. Osama was born on August 4, 1961. If we break that down numerically, it looks like this: 8/4/1961. We ran that through our computers a few million times, came up with nothing. But then the Lord began to speak to my spirit in an audible voice, and said: "You know, the Anti-Christ is evil, but he's also very smart. Try looking at it a different way." So here's what I came up with: 8/4=2. Simple division, right? Then 2 x 19=38. That's the multiplication part. Then 38 + 61=99. Division, multiplication, and addition. Doh! That's the way Satan always works. Expressed as a single equation, it is: ((8/4) x 19) + 61 = 99.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Ninety-nine?

John Hagee: Well, yea, but stay with me, Ken. You've got to think like Satan. Satan always perverts. Say that with me: Satan Always Perverts. What is 99 upside down?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Oh, my gosh. You're right!

John Hagee: And get this: Osama's middle name is Hussein.

Jack Van Impe: According to my chart, Sadam Hussein will be raised from the dead on June 6, 2006.

Paula White: Does anyone know how old Michael Phelps is? Is he over 21?

Bob Jones: I smell vanilla.

[End of Panel Discussion: Part One]

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tears are rolling down my eyes, that is the funniest thing I have read, even better than your Elijah List one!

I have linked to you!

Miriam from endtimespropheticwords.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

ps

Still laughing!

Miriam

Rian Adams said...

too funny, just too funny.

Fake Kenneth Copeland said...

Miriam,

Thanks so much for the compliments. Wish everyone was as appreciative. Many, Many, out there are just way too uptight. Thanks too for the link. You have made all the difference in the world. Be blessed!

Lorikate said...

This is the funniest thing ever. I laughed until my sides hurt and then promptly forwarded it to everyone on my mailing list. What a riot!!! And so well written!!! Great job! (I'd put in a few more exclamation points...but it gets redundant) :P

I had to link you on my site. Thanks so much for being so funny!

Fake Kenneth Copeland said...

Lorikate, Rian, and Miriam,

You guys ROCK!! Thanks for taking the time to let us know that you appreciate our humor. We're just trying to do our part to build up the body! May God's peace rest upon you.

Anonymous said...

This site totally rocks, you should have a warning to folks that happen to be drinking coffee at the time they stumble on this site for the first time!
Juli

Fake Kenneth Copeland said...

Juli, YOU ROCK! Thanks for the comment. We will take your suggestion under consideration. Don't want a McDonalds' style lawsuit. More will follow so check back occasionally. Tell your friends too. Be blessed.

OhhowILOVEJESUS said...

Man....hurry and bring out part 2! Don't even pay attention to critics, they are every where! They are the ones that back these false "prophets" and "teachers!" GOD BLESS!!!! Or should I say "bless god" copeland style! lol

pursuitofmeaning said...

Thanks you so much for this. I thought I was alone in how I see this.

Eilandkind said...

this is hillarious!
I smell vanilla....
LOL!
perfect ending.

Victor said...

John Hagee:

Hey guys do you know who bestowed the title Messiah upon Jesus?

Others: It was God the Father.

John Hagee:

No, it was me! I have crowned Jesus as the Messiah ONLY to the gentiles because I love the Jews so much.

Others: John, how did you remove bad remarks from Wikipedia?

John Hagee: I have internet police all over the cyber world and they watch wikipedia and various blogs for me.

redeemedhippie said...

THIS was SOOOO funny! I laughed all the way through it. When I got to this part:

Bob Jones: Emma?

Joyce Meyer: No, Grandpa...it's Michael.

I about fell out of my chair! You do such a great job of portraying these characters I can even hear their voices saying these things!

And to end it with Bob Jones, "I smell vanilla." BRILLIANT!

I hope you do more round table discussions!!

Anonymous said...

Ha, you fake, I just knew all the others were right, and you have just confirmed it. I was just checking on your site and I began to shake and spilt coffee which I had just made to take on my next portal trip to the third heaven. The men in white coats are waiting. Shame on you for causing me to have uncontrollable laughter. Have deferred my encounter to keep reading...harji

Anonymous said...

I have been so touched by your vision of a Jesus plane so I have just donated my last widows mite, a mere 1/2 million, believing god will deliver my own big new jet. I am also believing it will have feathers on its wings so I can drop them on the faithful as I fly over, greatly increasing their faith to give, give, give to FKC ministries. Has anyone noticed how the word verification letters have spiritual significance confirming it is of god? One of mine was "fibber" harji aka margie in oz.

Anonymous said...

Roundtable was one of the funniest things I've ever read. Keep em coming.

Jordon said...

You, sir, are a gentleman AND a scholar! Nicely done.