Who is the Anti-Christ? I recently posed that very question to a panel of some of the biggest names in Christian ministry. Typically, I keep this kind of information confidential, or put it on a CD and charge $7.99 for shipping and handling. But I'm feeling real generous today. So sit back and enjoy:
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Well, I guess I'll just throw it out there and get your responses. Here's the question: Who is the Anti-Christ?
John Hagee: It's Obama bin Laden. No doubt in my mind.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Don't you mean, Barack Obama?
John Hagee: Oh, I'm sorry, Ken. Yes, Obama.
Creflo Dollar: Why, because he's black?
John Hagee: A little touchy, eh? No, Creflo, it has nothing to do with his African-American heritage. It's because he is a Muslim.
Creflo Dollar: Where, in the Bible, does it say the Anti-Christ will be a Muslim?
John Hagee: Are we limiting our answers to what's in Scripture? Is that in the rules, Ken? Because if it is, well, that's a problem. Help me out here, brother.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: I'm sorry, Creflo, but I think I'm gonna have to side with John on this. Heck, if we're sticking to the Bible, this is gonna be a very short conversation.
John Hagee: That's right. You know that whole "dual covenant" thing? I just made that up! And before you go casting stones, Creflo, the words "bling, bling" don't appear anywhere in the Bible.
Joyce Meyer: Boys, can we please get back to the subject at hand? I've studied this out and I'm certain that Michael Phelps is the Anti-Christ.
Paula White: You think so? Oh, he's a hottie!
John Hagee: Both of you, shut up. I have high-level sources in the Knesset, as well as our own State Department, who tell me Osama is definitely our man.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Obama! O-B-A-M-A!
Benny Hinn: I heard that kid's worth $40 million. My people are already in touch. Ha!
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Michael Phelps, you mean?
Benny Hinn: That's right.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, Joyce...I'll bite. Why do you think Michael Phelps is the Anti-Christ?
Joyce Meyer: Well, first of all let's take a look at his birthdate. Michael Phelps was born on June 30. Not counting the zero, that would be represented numerically as 6/3. Now let's look at his height. Wikipedia says he's 6' 4", but that's wrong. It's actually 6' 3". All right, so let's add all that up: 6+3+6+3. Expressed another way, that would be 6+6+6. Ergo, Michael Phelps is the beast.
Benny Hinn: Okay, but what about the $40 million?
Joyce Meyer: Not a problem. My accountants have been looking into that. Actually, he's worth $39 million. What's nine minus three, Benny?
Benny Hinn: Six?
Joyce Meyer: Very good. Here's something else to look at. We all know Satan disguises himself as an angel of light, don't we? And who is the most powerful angel in the Bible?
Bob Jones: Emma?
Joyce Meyer: No, Grandpa...it's Michael.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: That's pretty impressive, Joyce, especially for a little lady.
Joyce Meyer: I'm gonna ignore that last comment, although I must say that's pretty funny, coming from you, Ken. Here's the clincher. Look at Revelation 13:1. It says: "Then I saw a beast coming up out of the sea." Did you get that, guys? Coming out of the sea. Hello? Michael Phelps is a swimmer!
Paula White: I have a picture of him swimming in the ocean.
Joyce Meyer: And then there's his connection to the Olympics. As you know, the Olympic Games are closely associated with paganism and idolotry.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Really?
Joyce Meyer: Absolutely. For the first hundred years or so, anyone participating in the games had to do so without a shred of clothing.
Bob Jones: Were there women? Naked women?
Paula White: Personally, I think Christians are entirely too uptight about the whole nudity thing. The human form is a thing of beauty. It's God's design.
John Hagee: I have never heard such a load of crap in all my life. Michael Phelps isn't even a Muslim.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, give it your best shot, John. What about Obama?
John Hagee: First of all, Obama is a Muslim. Now, think about that. He's a Muslim. That is really, really bad. Remember the World Trade Center? Does the phrase "9/11" mean anything to you guys, or have you already forgotten?
Benny Hinn: But Obama claim to be a Christian, doesn't he?
John Hagee: Exactly!
Benny Hinn: What?
John Hagee: Don't you see? That's exactly what he wants us to believe. He's trying to hide his Muslimness so he can take over the United States.
Jack Van Impe: You guys make me sick. Can I bring out my charts now, Ken?
John Hagee: Here's something else. What do you call the absence of light?
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Darkness?
John Hagee: Bingo!
Creflo Dollar: What are you saying?
John Hagee: Well, black is the color of darkness. Not that there's anything wrong with being black per se. I'm just saying Osama doesn't look like the founding fathers. In the Bible, black is always associated with evil.
Creflo Dollar: You, sir, are a racist!
John Hagee: I have almost 144,000 friends in Israel who would beg to differ.
Paula White: Well, I think Obama is a very handsome man. Even if he is the Anti-Christ.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: What's his net worth, John?
John Hagee: I thought you'd never ask. It's $15 million.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: I see. Benny, can you run those numbers?
Benny Hinn: Sure, Ken. 1+5=6. Wow! He's right.
Paula White: I heard he was having trouble in his marriage.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Shut up, Paula! Now, what about his birthday, John? Anything on that?
John Hagee: Actually there is, Ken. It's very interesting. Osama was born on August 4, 1961. If we break that down numerically, it looks like this: 8/4/1961. We ran that through our computers a few million times, came up with nothing. But then the Lord began to speak to my spirit in an audible voice, and said: "You know, the Anti-Christ is evil, but he's also very smart. Try looking at it a different way." So here's what I came up with: 8/4=2. Simple division, right? Then 2 x 19=38. That's the multiplication part. Then 38 + 61=99. Division, multiplication, and addition. Doh! That's the way Satan always works. Expressed as a single equation, it is: ((8/4) x 19) + 61 = 99.
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Ninety-nine?
John Hagee: Well, yea, but stay with me, Ken. You've got to think like Satan. Satan always perverts. Say that with me: Satan Always Perverts. What is 99 upside down?
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Oh, my gosh. You're right!
John Hagee: And get this: Osama's middle name is Hussein.
Jack Van Impe: According to my chart, Sadam Hussein will be raised from the dead on June 6, 2006.
Paula White: Does anyone know how old Michael Phelps is? Is he over 21?
Bob Jones: I smell vanilla.
[End of Panel Discussion: Part One]