An Open Letter to Charles Grassley

Senator Grassley,

Frankly, my son, John, and I are tired of having to defend ourselves against your baseless accusations. Despite the scriptural admonition to provide things honest in the sight of all men, we answer to a higher authority. As a U.S. Senator, you of all people should be aware that The Constitution clearly indicates there's a wall of separation between church and state. True, we have argued against this position in the past, but we have re-evaluated our stance in light of your current attempts to hold us financially accountable.

So in my efforts to protect the names and contact information of the widows and orphans those who contribute to my jet FKCM Ministries, this is an open letter inviting you to a Texas Chainsaw Cage Match at the time and place of your choosing.

Here's how it's gonna work: Two men enter, one man leaves, hallelujah! I may be short in stature (4'3" to be exact), but I've got spunk, bless god -- and a darn fine pair of biceps if I do say so myself! If Jesus were still alive today, I know in my knower he would be rooting for me, his only son. Check the guns in my glamour shot, Chucko! You, grassboy, are about to open yourself a can of good, ol' fashioned Texas Whoopass!

Should you choose to accept my challenge, ill-advised as that would be, I figure we could charge at least $20 a head at the door. Also, I'd be willing to settle for a very modest 60% cut -- which is, my attorneys have assured me (and I'm sure you will agree) -- a very gracious offer. Of course, all access to the gross receipts for the match would be available to you only through the Internal Revenue Service.

Welcome to the jungle.

P.S. If you want to send subpoena's, send them on really soft two-ply paper. I have an idea what to do with 'em.