I'm deeply troubled

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Hello, Partners. I must tell you I am burdened in my spirit today. As you all know, I walk in the annointing -- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But today...sigh...I am bearing a heavy, heavy load.

John Hagee: Snap out of it, Ken! You're a king's kid, dad-gum it! Shake it off!

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Sorry, John, not today. The burden is just too great.

Benny Hinn: What is it, Ken? Are you opressed?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No, Benny, it's something far worse. And frankly, as a little god one of God's generals, I should have seen it coming.

Cindy Jacobs: You're in pain, aren't you Ken? Yes, that's it...God is revealing it to me even now. I have a seer annointing, you know. And a doctorate from Kathmandu.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No, Cindy, it's far worse than that.

Cindy Jacobs: Doctor Jacobs.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Whatever, no it's....well, I guess I'll just come out and say it. The doctors have found a --.

Cindy Jacobs: A growth! I knew it!

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Would you SHUT UP! No, it's not a growth. My doctors have found a....birthmark.

John Hagee: I don't understand, Ken. Why is a little god man of God like you even going to a doctor?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Well, John, it's...complicated. Of course, I walk in divine health. However, I regularly visit the doctor to confirm what I already know in my knower, which is the simple fact that I am in perfect health.

Bob Jones: Can I see your birthmark?

Benny Hinn: Why is this birthmark so troubling to you, Ken?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: It's shaped like...uh...a number.

John Hagee: What number, Ken?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Uh...I'd rather not say.

Bob Jones: Where is it?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Not that it's any of your business, Bob, but it's on my left buttocks.

Bob Jones: Can I see it?

John Hagee: I see. So in other words, it's on your left behind?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yes...(sob)

Benny Hinn: A number? Can you give us a range of numbers?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Sure, it's between one and seven.

Cindy Jacobs: Wait, wait, don't tell me...It's five! I got it! Oh, I am so awesome!

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No.

Creflo Dollar: What's wrong with getting tatoos?

Juanita Bynum: You guys keep talking...I'm just gonna roll around on the floor for a while.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: It's a birthmark, Creffy, not a tatoo. A tattoo would be a defilement of my holy temple.

Paul White: Well, I think tatoos on a man are hot!

Benny Hinn: Is it between five and seven?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yes.

Bob Jones: It's three! I just saw three angels!

John Hagee: So you have a tattoo shaped like the number "6" on your left behind?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: This is what I'm saying, yes.

Perry Stone: This is not new information to me. I have sources at the highest levels of the Knesset. I have enhanced satellite imagery of you and Glo sun-bathing in your birthday suits while on a "ministry" trip to Cancun. An Israeli satellite.

Bob Jones: Can I see?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Perry's telling the truth.

Perry Stone: And the six on his buttocks is clearly visible.

John Hagee: Well, that's a problem, Ken. What do you want me to do?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I'm looking for advice on how to spin this, John. Once my sycophants partners find out about this, I fear they will jump to conclusions.

Benny Hinn: What? Like you're the anti-Christ?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yes. That's what I'm afraid of.

John Hagee: Can't you just confess it away...you know, speak it out of existence.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I tried that, John. It's not working.

Benny Hinn: What about lasers?

Paula White: Oh, honey, they can do amazing things with lasers these days.

Bob Jones: I once saw a demon with lasers coming out of his eyes.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Well...even if lasers worked...what about Perry?

Perry Stone: What about me? Frankly, Ken, you ought to be more concerned about spending an eternity in the raging fires of a burning hell reserved for the devil and his angels.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That did cross my mind. That, and you blackmailing me.

Perry Stone: Blackmail you? For what?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: For being the anti-Christ.

John Hagee: Is that an admission, Ken? Because if it is, I am going to have to kill you right here and now.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: NO!...no, no, no....I'm not saying I am the anti-Christ. Do I look like the anti-Christ to you? I have a Jesus plane, for crying out loud.

John Hagee: Interesting. I noticed you didn't answer the question directly, Ken. Now, I'm gonna ask you one last time. Are you, or are you not, the anti-Christ?

[To Be Continued]