The Cindy Jacobs Collection

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Bless god, HALLELUJAH PARTNERS! Today, I'd like to introduce you to a long-time friend of mine -- one of my very best friends, in fact. Her name is Cindy Jacobs. Cindy lives right here in Dallas, bless god, and believe it or not, she is mine and Gloria's personal prophetess. You know, whenever Glo and I are faced with a big decision, we always consult Cindy. She's got a seer annointing, right Cindy?

Cindy Jacobs: That's Doctor Cindy, if you don't mind, Ken.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: You bet, Doctor Cindy. Anyway, Cindy has some big, big news about a very special line of clothing she has created. So without further delay, Cindy, the floor is yours.

Cindy Jacobs: Doctor, Ken...I have a doctorate.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Right, right. By the way, where'd you get that doctorate?

Cindy Jacobs: From Kathmandu Seminary in Nepal. May I speak now?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I'm sorry, sure. Go ahead, Cindy.

Cindy Jacobs: DOCTOR!! All right, well, as you know, Ken, I am a very annointed woman. The annointing rests heavy upon me. In fact, Charisma readers have voted my "Most Annointed Woman" for five years running now. And, Ken, as you are well aware, I absolutely love clothes. I just love 'em! You know, it's funny, my kids say I am a freak for clothes. And they're right. I am mad for clothes.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: And?

Cindy Jacobs: Well, one day while I was soaking in a special salt bath -- the salt came from the Dead Sea, thank you very much -- while I was soaking, Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit in an audible voice. Clear as day, He said: "When I was naked, you did not clothe me."

Fake Kenneth Copeland: The words of Jesus?

Cindy Jacobs: Sure, sure. Anyway, I rightly divided the word -- I do have a doctorate, you know -- and I knew then and there what God wanted me to do.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: And what was that?

Cindy Jacobs: Well, isn't it obvious? Doh! He was asking me to create a line of designer clothing.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Now that is exciting! Tell us more!

Cindy Jacobs: I don't mean to keep tooting my own horn here, but as I've said before, I am very, very annointed. The most annointed, according to Charisma. I exude the annointing. God revealed to me that the annointing which I bear is unlike any other. God actually told me that this annointing is transferrable.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That's all very interesting, but what does that have to do with your new line of designer clothing?

Cindy Jacobs: It has everything to do with it, Ken. Don't you see, Ken. I have an Elijah annointing. I can transfer my annointing to the clothes.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Cha-Ching!

Cindy Jacobs: Exactly. So you see where I'm going with this. Honestly, Ken, I think I'm sitting on a goldmine here. I can transfer my annointing to each any every piece of clothing we produce. Any self-respecting Charismatic woman who wants to look her best and operate in apostolic power will definitely be wearing Cindy Jacobs this year.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Aren't you really saying that, as Christians, we don't have to settle for second-class garments or hand-me-downs? I mean, we're King's Kids, right?

Cindy Jacobs: Ken, that is exactly what I'm saying.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Boy, this puts a whole new spin to whole "walking in the annointing" thing. Partners, this is very exciting! All right, Cindy, this new line of designer clothes, will it just be for women? You're not gonna leave us boys out in the rain, are you?

Cindy Jacobs: Ha, ha! No, Ken, don't worry. I've designed some very nice things for you men. In fact, we've sent prototypes of all Cindy Jacobs designs to every male member of the International Coalition of Apostles. So far, we've gotten nothing but rave reviews.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Amen!

Cindy Jacobs: Annnndddd. Also, for you fellas...

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yea? Yeaaaa?

Cindy Jacobs: I have designed a special line of very naughty underthings just for the gals. I'm calling it the "Simply Cindy" collection. Pure silk. Crimson and hot pink. You know Victoria's Secret?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That is none of your bidness.

Cindy Jacobs: Huh?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Never mind. Continue.

Cindy Jacobs: And like everything else in the line, each item in the "Simply Cindy" collection is embroidered with a scripture verse. And, again, they all come with my transferrable annointing.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: What about washing? Does it dilute the annointing?

Cindy Jacobs: No, it doesn't. Same for dry-cleaning. I've written extensively about this subject in my book, The Super-Natural Life. Chapter 4 is entitled "Does Dry Cleaning Hurt the Anointing?" Seriously. Check out my book and you'll see.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, final question. I'm sorry to do this, but you know Grassley has been riding my butt these last few months. So I have to ask you: where does the money go?

Cindy Jacobs: A portion of every purchase will go toward keeping my web site, Generals International, up and running. The rest of the money will go to fund my Light The Highway project. Have you heard of it?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No.

Cindy Jacobs: Oh, it's great. Light The Highway is dedicated to people who want to make Interstate 35 a highway for the Lord.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Interstate 35? Why I-35?

Cindy Jacobs: Because that is the highway God speaks about in Isaiah 35.

"And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness" -- Isaiah 35:8

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I see. And you're saying that Interstate 35 equals Isaiah 35.

Cindy Jacobs: That's right.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: You know, don't you, that chapters weren't added to the Bible until around the 13th century?

Cindy Jacobs: I know! Isn't that awesome how God knew about I-35 way back then?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Hmm. Okay, well, that's all we have time for today. Cindy, thank you so much for stopping by. I know in my knower that you are gonna do gangbusters with the Cindy Jacobs collection. You have a very strong annointing. You'll do well. I decree it!

Cindy Jacobs: Thank you, Ken. And it's Doctor.

Clipping John's Wings; Pastor Shepherd Has Potential

I'm sure many of you know my son, John. As CEO of Fake Kenneth Copeland Ministries, John has been getting a lot of face time lately, with all the persecution we've been getting from Mr. Grassley and the biased news coverage of the Left Wing Media, an adjunct of the National Democrat Party.

Unfortunately, John isn't doing nearly as well as I had hoped. Okay, okay, that's an understatement. Our marketing team informed me last week that John is faring very poorly with focus groups. Specific comments include: "boring," "appears disinterested," "glassy-eyed," "not as funny as his daddy," and "much too tall."

You can image how heartbreaking this news was to me. As a father, I've always wanted the best for all my kids. And, as you well know, I've done everything within my power -- and, of course, within IRS guideline -- to get it for them.

Yet, even with all the advantages that my money and my power and my fame has bought brought him, John has failed to perform. It wasn't an easy decision. Actually, it's probably been one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. But you know what? I'm a little god man of God. I must be strong. I must set an example for others.

So effective today, bless god, I'm clipping John's wings. That means no more press appearances. No more talk shows. No more all-expense paid hunting trips in my the ministry's Citation X-10 jet. And no, John will not inherit my kingdom here at Fake Kenneth Copeland Ministries.

Now for the good news. We're now taking applications for Executive VP of Fake Kenneth Copleand Ministries. With all the perks we offer, you can be sure the competition for such a position is going to be fierce.

But rather than posting a list of qualifications on Monster.Com, I thought it'd just be much easir to just post an actual video of the kind of person I'm looking for. His name is Pastor Shepherd, a fellow Texan out of Houston. He's a hard-working, ambitious young man, with some terrific ideas about how to market the gospel minister to the poor. He and his staff are doing some great work through his fledgling ministry, Prayer Hour. Mark my words, partners, this young man is definitely going places.

Pastor Shepherd, if you're out there, give me a call. My number is 1-800-GOD-CASH. We need to talk, Brother.

Roundtable Discussion on the Anti-Christ: Michael Phelps or Barack Obama? - Part 1

Who is the Anti-Christ? I recently posed that very question to a panel of some of the biggest names in Christian ministry. Typically, I keep this kind of information confidential, or put it on a CD and charge $7.99 for shipping and handling. But I'm feeling real generous today. So sit back and enjoy:

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Well, I guess I'll just throw it out there and get your responses. Here's the question: Who is the Anti-Christ?

John Hagee: It's Obama bin Laden. No doubt in my mind.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Don't you mean, Barack Obama?

John Hagee: Oh, I'm sorry, Ken. Yes, Obama.

Creflo Dollar: Why, because he's black?

John Hagee: A little touchy, eh? No, Creflo, it has nothing to do with his African-American heritage. It's because he is a Muslim.

Creflo Dollar: Where, in the Bible, does it say the Anti-Christ will be a Muslim?

John Hagee: Are we limiting our answers to what's in Scripture? Is that in the rules, Ken? Because if it is, well, that's a problem. Help me out here, brother.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I'm sorry, Creflo, but I think I'm gonna have to side with John on this. Heck, if we're sticking to the Bible, this is gonna be a very short conversation.

John Hagee: That's right. You know that whole "dual covenant" thing? I just made that up! And before you go casting stones, Creflo, the words "bling, bling" don't appear anywhere in the Bible.

Joyce Meyer: Boys, can we please get back to the subject at hand? I've studied this out and I'm certain that Michael Phelps is the Anti-Christ.

Paula White: You think so? Oh, he's a hottie!

John Hagee: Both of you, shut up. I have high-level sources in the Knesset, as well as our own State Department, who tell me Osama is definitely our man.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Obama! O-B-A-M-A!

Benny Hinn: I heard that kid's worth $40 million. My people are already in touch. Ha!

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Michael Phelps, you mean?

Benny Hinn: That's right.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, Joyce...I'll bite. Why do you think Michael Phelps is the Anti-Christ?

Joyce Meyer: Well, first of all let's take a look at his birthdate. Michael Phelps was born on June 30. Not counting the zero, that would be represented numerically as 6/3. Now let's look at his height. Wikipedia says he's 6' 4", but that's wrong. It's actually 6' 3". All right, so let's add all that up: 6+3+6+3. Expressed another way, that would be 6+6+6. Ergo, Michael Phelps is the beast.

Benny Hinn: Okay, but what about the $40 million?

Joyce Meyer: Not a problem. My accountants have been looking into that. Actually, he's worth $39 million. What's nine minus three, Benny?

Benny Hinn: Six?

Joyce Meyer: Very good. Here's something else to look at. We all know Satan disguises himself as an angel of light, don't we? And who is the most powerful angel in the Bible?

Bob Jones: Emma?

Joyce Meyer: No, Grandpa...it's Michael.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That's pretty impressive, Joyce, especially for a little lady.

Joyce Meyer: I'm gonna ignore that last comment, although I must say that's pretty funny, coming from you, Ken. Here's the clincher. Look at Revelation 13:1. It says: "Then I saw a beast coming up out of the sea." Did you get that, guys? Coming out of the sea. Hello? Michael Phelps is a swimmer!

Paula White: I have a picture of him swimming in the ocean.

Joyce Meyer: And then there's his connection to the Olympics. As you know, the Olympic Games are closely associated with paganism and idolotry.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Really?

Joyce Meyer: Absolutely. For the first hundred years or so, anyone participating in the games had to do so without a shred of clothing.

Bob Jones: Were there women? Naked women?

Paula White: Personally, I think Christians are entirely too uptight about the whole nudity thing. The human form is a thing of beauty. It's God's design.

John Hagee: I have never heard such a load of crap in all my life. Michael Phelps isn't even a Muslim.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, give it your best shot, John. What about Obama?

John Hagee: First of all, Obama is a Muslim. Now, think about that. He's a Muslim. That is really, really bad. Remember the World Trade Center? Does the phrase "9/11" mean anything to you guys, or have you already forgotten?

Benny Hinn: But Obama claim to be a Christian, doesn't he?

John Hagee: Exactly!

Benny Hinn: What?

John Hagee: Don't you see? That's exactly what he wants us to believe. He's trying to hide his Muslimness so he can take over the United States.

Jack Van Impe: You guys make me sick. Can I bring out my charts now, Ken?

John Hagee: Here's something else. What do you call the absence of light?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Darkness?

John Hagee: Bingo!

Creflo Dollar: What are you saying?

John Hagee: Well, black is the color of darkness. Not that there's anything wrong with being black per se. I'm just saying Osama doesn't look like the founding fathers. In the Bible, black is always associated with evil.

Creflo Dollar: You, sir, are a racist!

John Hagee: I have almost 144,000 friends in Israel who would beg to differ.

Paula White: Well, I think Obama is a very handsome man. Even if he is the Anti-Christ.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: What's his net worth, John?

John Hagee: I thought you'd never ask. It's $15 million.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I see. Benny, can you run those numbers?

Benny Hinn: Sure, Ken. 1+5=6. Wow! He's right.

Paula White: I heard he was having trouble in his marriage.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Shut up, Paula! Now, what about his birthday, John? Anything on that?

John Hagee: Actually there is, Ken. It's very interesting. Osama was born on August 4, 1961. If we break that down numerically, it looks like this: 8/4/1961. We ran that through our computers a few million times, came up with nothing. But then the Lord began to speak to my spirit in an audible voice, and said: "You know, the Anti-Christ is evil, but he's also very smart. Try looking at it a different way." So here's what I came up with: 8/4=2. Simple division, right? Then 2 x 19=38. That's the multiplication part. Then 38 + 61=99. Division, multiplication, and addition. Doh! That's the way Satan always works. Expressed as a single equation, it is: ((8/4) x 19) + 61 = 99.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Ninety-nine?

John Hagee: Well, yea, but stay with me, Ken. You've got to think like Satan. Satan always perverts. Say that with me: Satan Always Perverts. What is 99 upside down?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Oh, my gosh. You're right!

John Hagee: And get this: Osama's middle name is Hussein.

Jack Van Impe: According to my chart, Sadam Hussein will be raised from the dead on June 6, 2006.

Paula White: Does anyone know how old Michael Phelps is? Is he over 21?

Bob Jones: I smell vanilla.

[End of Panel Discussion: Part One]

Announcement by Rory and Wendy Alec

Ken, this is such a neat idea! A place where the most prominent prophets, the select warriors of god can discuss current issues with the father of the 'word of faith' movement! Do you mind if we call you Papa...Papa Ken? You're such an inspiration! As soon as we found out about your new site the spirit of god told Wendy and I that this would be a new portal through which we could shine our little lights to the world. We feel such a heavy anointing on this site!

First, we want our viewers to know how much their financial support means to GOD t.v. Without your help, millions of starving African children would be bereft of the anointed teaching of god's holy word. We know there's a lot of talk out there about the whole Lakeland thing and, moved by the leading of the holy spirit we feel that we are now ready to address it. Ever since Strange Fire Ministries announced Todd Bentley's moral failures we've gotten tons of email denouncing the whole movement as if it were completely fraudulent.

But let's don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! Before you judge the Lakeland Outpouring, we want our viewers to know that every genuine move of god is accompanied by manifestations of the flesh. We've come to find out that Todd was manifesting at least some of his flesh to his 'assistant' in what some would consider to be inappropriate ways. But who can deny that this was a genuine move of god? If anyone is without sin let him/her cast the first stone!

We are waiting on guidance from the holy spirit to further evaluate which part was 'fleshly' and which part was 'spiritual'. We are beginning to suspect that the mass oppression of the audience by the spirit of Tourette's as well as the 'uncontrollable laughter' demon were manifestations of the flesh. So far, we are also pretty sure that ALL of the money donated to Strange Fire Ministries and GOD t.v. were all very spiritual and valid aspects of the revival.

For now, let's just all settle down until the spirit leads us to an objective standard whereby we can further evaluate the whole event. May we walk in the anointing of the spirit as this shift occurs to align us with HIS purposes.

Teaching the Prosperity Gospel: Scriptures to Avoid

Hallelujah! Bless god partners! You know, years ago, god told me I would live until the age of ninety-nine. Before I leave this world, I want to raise up as many shepherds as possible who are well trained in the word of righteousness. I want you walking in the ANOINTING!

As a result of a direct command from god, I am publishing a book on scriptures to avoid while preaching the prosperity gospel. In the meantime I want to whet your appetite by teaching you some of what's in my book.

Let's begin by taking a look at some verses to avoid in Luke. Here's a few of 'em.

Luk 1:52 He has brought down the mighty from their thrones, and has lifted up those of lowly position; 53 he has filled the hungry with good things, and has sent the rich away empty.

Luk 6:24 "But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your comfort already.

Luk 18:24 When Jesus noticed this, he said, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! 25 In fact, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."

Then there's the whole Lazarus thing. Tell you what partners, it's probably best just to avoid the book of Luke altogether. Maybe Matthew too. There's the whole Sermon on the Mount thing, bless god. I think you and I both know that Jesus' understanding was limited when he described the poor, the humble, the whiners, yada, yada, yada, as being blessed.

You and I know better don't we? Poverty is the the sign of the curse and the very FIRST thing Jesus came to do was to remove the curse of poverty. The good news to the poor was that they didn't have to be po' no mo' (I got that one from Creflo Dollar!). Then there's all that talk about suffering, bless god, the whole take up your cross thing. That's the BIGGEST BUNCH OF BALONEY I EVER HEARD!! Talk about bringing confusion into the body of Christ, you start talking about the cross and you'll just confuse everybody.

Let's look at a few more verses you should avoid in the letters of Paul and Peter. You've probably figured out by now that these guys really didn't know too much about faith. Remember how Jesus rebuked them for not having enough faith? You think getting stoned and shipwrecked and whipped brings glory to god? Bless god you were not created for poverty. Did you know I live in an 18,000 square foot house? Friends, that's big faith...I mean BIG faith. Let me tell you something, if Paul had known what I know he wouldn't have had to suffer. Listen to this mess in Romans.

Rom 8:17 And if children, then heirs (namely, heirs of God and also fellow heirs with Christ) — if indeed we suffer with him so we may also be glorified with him.

You see here that Paul knew just enough about faith to make him dangerous. Paul knew a little bitty bit about the blessing, he just didn't take it far enough. He understood that he was a joint heir with Christ. HALLELUJAH, I AM A LITTLE GOD! But look then where he starts talking about suffering. Are you really stupid enough to tell me that our CEO in heaven, our administrator-in-chief, the head of the church died on the cross so we could suffer? YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE KING BLESS GOD, JESUS SUFFERED SO WE DON"T HAVE TO!! Thank you lord! Thank you for suffering on our behalf!

Let's take a look at one more verse. Turn in your bibles to I Peter chapter two. Now look at verse 21.

1Pe 2:21 For to this you were called, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving an example for you to follow in his steps.

Folks, I've never read anything so stupid in my life, bless god. I was praying the other day, just asking god why Peter seemed to be such an idiot, and you know what he said? God told me that Peter had gotten off base by listening to Paul! Partners, you've got to guard what goes in your ears. When the devil starts whispering in your ear that you're not worthy you just yell back at him and remind him I'M A CHILD OF THE LIVING GOD AND I'M WALKING IN THE BLESSING!! AS A JOINT HEIR WITH CHRIST I'M CLAIMING MY INHERITANCE NOW, HALLELUJAH!!

Partners, I hope this gives you a little incentive to get into the word and study it for yourself. Read about Father Abraham and the blessing. God promised us perfect health and prosperity and I won't stand for somebody to tell me any different!

Guest Blogger: Elijah List Steve Schmuck

Bless god partners, Hallelujah! You may not be familiar with the Elijah List but a good friend of mine, Steve Schmuck, organizes, prioritizes, arranges, and presents god's word as spoken through his holy modern day prophets. Steve has asked me, bless god, if he could issue a statement to the modern day prophecy movement on my blog and I told him I would be absolutely delighted. So here's his statement:

Kenny, thanks for letting me post on your blog to get this important word out. Apostles and Prophets from around the globe - welcome! Some of the prophetic words at our regular site "The Elijah List" are starting to get a little over the top. So I thought I would try to restore some order to the prophetic movement. Based on the email feedback I'm getting, we're really starting to lose credibility with mainstream America.

Brothers, now is the time to heed some hard lessons being learned from the whole 'Lakeland Outpouring' debacle. I suspect that soon, Christians are going to be calling for a little more accountability. They might even start weighing our prophetic words against scripture. Is that what we really want? The accuracy of our prophecies has dropped from 5% to around the 3% range with a margin of error of +/- 5%. Something really needs to be done if we are to maintain our status.

Besides accuracy, I've noticed another disturbing fact. Most of the prophecies posted on our website don't even make sense. Take, for example, this recent prophecy by Dutch Sheets:

Get ready for September! It is so huge on God's timetable that it will mark one of the greatest shifts in the spiritual realm that our generation has ever seen:
• A season of suddenlies will begin.
• The confusion and deception ruling America (including within the Church) will begin to lift.
• The November elections will shift toward God's will.
• The coming "great awakening" to America will go to a new level.
• The "presence movement" will begin.

Dutch, we've been friends for a long time but what the hell is that supposed to even mean...a season of suddenlies? We keep using the same words and phrases over and over again but they don't actually mean anything. And what is this whole 'presence movement' bit all about? Is that anything like a bowel movement? C'mon guys, we can do better! The very least we could do is form an intelligible sentence every now and then.

Let's come up with some different words too O.K.? Seriously, words like season, shift, movement, level, vibrate yada, yada, yada...you guys are absolutely wearing these themes out!But enough of these corrective words for today. This is like a celebration, a season of new beginnings in the prophetic movement!

On a positive note, I have been completely thrilled with the whole shofar thing! Let's think of some other really fun ideas. Together we can come up with something new the public can enjoy!

Blessings,

Steve Schmuck

P.S. I need you to be praying about what god is saying for next years' theme but it needs to rhyme with the number 9.

This Man Needed My New Teaching Series!!

Bless god, Hallelujah partners! My detractors would have you believe that I am a cold, uncaring person. "Sold his soul to the devil just in order to make a dollar by perverting the gospel" they say. Bless god, open your bibles and turn with me to Matthew chapter five. Let's take a close look at verse sixteen.

Mat 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before men, so that they can see your good deeds and give honor to your Father in heaven.

Now I'm not one to brag, but following this scriptural mandate, I want to recount for you an incident that happened just before the West Coast Believers Victory Campaign. You may have already noticed the picture of this homeless beggar at the top of this post.

As soon as I saw him, I discerned in my spirit that this bum had not been taught about the power of his words...the power of positive confession. He was obviously under a generational curse of poverty. He was living in a cardboard box for goodness sake! Clear as a bell the audible voice of god spoke to my spirit. "Son," he said, "this man needs to learn about faith". "Bless god" I thought, "this old feller needs to hear the prosperity gospel!"

I told him "silver and gold have I none but such as I have give I thee...". I asked Gloria to go back to the limousine and get a copy of my new CD teaching series "The Power of Your Words to Create Perfect Health, Wealth, and Prosperity" with a suggested retail price of $99.99. Now Gloria and I learned a long time ago about the law of sowing and reaping. So I placed this powerful resource in this old man's hands and just gave it to him. Just gave it to him. I know, I know, that's a lot of money. But I knew that, without my new teaching series, this guy would never fulfill his god ordained destiny.

Again partners, I'm not telling you this just to brag...I want you to understand how the law of prosperity works. I didn't get a new Citation X by being stingy. There's no telling the blessings that will flow into my life from sowing into that old mans life! When you sow your seed into my ministry GET READY TO RECEIVE!! You want to walk in the blessings of god? Sow your financial seed and get this new teaching series today!

Tying up Loose Ends

Bless god partners, Hallelujah! Just a reminder that our Great Lakes Victory Convention is right around the corner starting August 18th so get your money in for the best seats!

Also, Gloria is re-releasing her old book "Blessed Out of Your Freakin' Mind" with a new cover so get out there and pick up a copy, bless god.

You just won't be able to handle the anointed word of faith and healing she speaks in that book so get out to your local bookstore and pick yourself up a copy. Sleep with it under your pillow if you have to but get yourself under the anointing.

Moving on to Todd's bible question. Folks, if you don't know Todd Bentley you're missing out on a blessing. He's a man of god from the word go! I did read somewhere this morning that Todd was separating from his wife Shonna. And who can blame him? When you are moved by the spirit of god nothing, and you listen to me closely, NOTHING can hold you back bless god.

Now you listen to what the spirit is saying through me. Drop that old baggage Todd! You ARE a little god! Folks, Todd wants to know if there is anything specific in the Bible about the minimum age at which a little girl can marry. Todd, I can't think of a thing. As a son of the most high god you are called to liberty brother! LIVE under the anointing! You're a king's kid, Hallelujah!

As for the rest of you folks, if you've got questions, Gloria and I want you to feel free to ask. Whoa! Did I say "free?" Now, that's a word you won't hear me use very often. The Bible says you have not because you ask not. You want healing, deliverance, the manifestation of god's presence in your life? Just ASK! Bless god, you are the child of the KING! I'll see you at the convention!

Bible Question from Todd

Ken & Gloria, Paula, Juanita, Jesse, BJ, Benny, MM, Bishop Hawkins, etc.:

My computer just crashed and I have lost ALL your email addresses.

Sigh.

For the time being, I guess I'm gonna have to correspond with you guys -- all fathers and mothers in the lord to me -- here on this blog. I know, I know...it's so freakin' public. But you know what? I am not ashamed to expose myself in such a public way. Let them say what they will -- we love each other I love you guys.

Ken and Granpa Bob, I really respect you guy's knowledge of the bible -- it's so simplistic, and yet a child could understand it. (Don't you just love kids!) But anyone else, hey, if you know the answer to this, please jump in. Anyway, here's my question:

Is there anywhere in the bible that SPECIFICALLY deals with the issue of the minimum age at which a person -- a girl, for example -- can get married? I have searched the scriptures, and cannot find ANYTHING.

Please get back to me as quickly as possible. I'm using a computer in the lobby, so you'll need to respond to me here in Vegas: WebMaster@GoldNuggetCasino.com. (Also, be sure to put "For Todd Bentley" in the subject.)

Thanks and peace out, dogs!

TB

P.S. Congrats on the new site, Ken. I love the green!

An Open Letter to Charles Grassley

Senator Grassley,

Frankly, my son, John, and I are tired of having to defend ourselves against your baseless accusations. Despite the scriptural admonition to provide things honest in the sight of all men, we answer to a higher authority. As a U.S. Senator, you of all people should be aware that The Constitution clearly indicates there's a wall of separation between church and state. True, we have argued against this position in the past, but we have re-evaluated our stance in light of your current attempts to hold us financially accountable.

So in my efforts to protect the names and contact information of the widows and orphans those who contribute to my jet FKCM Ministries, this is an open letter inviting you to a Texas Chainsaw Cage Match at the time and place of your choosing.

Here's how it's gonna work: Two men enter, one man leaves, hallelujah! I may be short in stature (4'3" to be exact), but I've got spunk, bless god -- and a darn fine pair of biceps if I do say so myself! If Jesus were still alive today, I know in my knower he would be rooting for me, his only son. Check the guns in my glamour shot, Chucko! You, grassboy, are about to open yourself a can of good, ol' fashioned Texas Whoopass!

Should you choose to accept my challenge, ill-advised as that would be, I figure we could charge at least $20 a head at the door. Also, I'd be willing to settle for a very modest 60% cut -- which is, my attorneys have assured me (and I'm sure you will agree) -- a very gracious offer. Of course, all access to the gross receipts for the match would be available to you only through the Internal Revenue Service.

Welcome to the jungle.

P.S. If you want to send subpoena's, send them on really soft two-ply paper. I have an idea what to do with 'em.

Invitation to Paula White

Hallelujah! Bless god partners. I just want to say that I was really sorry to hear the news about Paula divorce from that loser her husband, Randy. I want to warn all my partners by the power of the spirit that dwells in me, before you judge them you take a hard look at your own life.

Ever made a mistake? You have NO IDEA the kind of scrutiny we televangelists are subject to: all those people demanding to know where all your money is going. All those nosey widows and orphans calling me on the freakin' phone, day and night, night and day, nag, nag, nag, begging to know where their money's going! Enough! It's none of your dadgum business!

Now that Paula is single without a spiritual covering, I just wanted to extend a invitation to Paula to join me during my quiet time for an overnight stay to join Gloria and me at the Ponderosa to be my personal masseuse life coach. Isn't she pretty? I swear, that girl is like an angel. We're planning on bringing a whole new ministry to birth. Now before you go condemning that messed up Mississippi girl for all that plastic surgery, you take a long hard look at your own life bless god. Heck, take a look in the mirror. Does the glory shine in your face like it does in Paula's busom face? No, it doesn't.

Any of you guilty of divorcing two, maybe three husbands? Like the word says, you get that needle out of your own eye before you hurt somebody, hallelujah!

Arthur Burk

Arthur Burks will make a guest star appearance at the next FKCM West Coast Believers Victory Convention. This might be hard to believe but he is more spiritual than Todd Brentley. Arthur Burk has in depth teaching about sound portals, upspouts, vibrating frequencies, ley lines, and a host of other discoveries.
Brother Burk's latest discovery is "fragrance portals" -- places where fragrances from heaven can penetrate the earth realm. You may have heard Bros. Todd Bentley and Bob "Geiser" Jones talk about bringing the smell of heaven (usually vanilla) down to earth. Well, partners, Master Burk and I am currently working on a plan to use these portals to raise money for my company the Kingdom of god. Hallelujah! Think of it, partners! A chain of my Christian restaurants across the country, each one built smack-dab on top of a fragrance portal. Think of the money blessing!

We'll also be searching for a money portal when Arthur comes and possibly an escape portal just in case Grassley comes up with anything on his investigation. So join us next week partners.

The Lakeland Outpouring

Bless god hallelujah for the KCM Ministry partners! I want you, our partners, to continue to pray for the hundredfold return as you send in your money.

Today I've got some very exciting news. Gloria and I are going to combine the West Coast Believer's Convention with the new Los Angeles Outpouring and we're interviewing our newest son in the faith, Todd Bentley.

Todd, we've been watching you and it is just amazing what god is doing through you. We've seen you being persecuted on ABC and we can certainly relate to that in light of our recent conflict with Senator Grassley. One of the things ABC tried to nail you on was your troubled past. Todd, tell us a little about that.

Todd: BAM SHEEKA BAM BAM! Sorry Ken. Well, it's true. I'm a convicted child molester. I molested a young boy when I was 13. But I'm making myself accountable to Bob Jones. He's kind of like a father in the faith.

Ken: Bob Jones? Is that the same Bob Jones that was defrocked for having women stand naked in his office so they could hear from god?

Todd: Yes, Ken, he is. But he's repented, and he's vibrating clockwise now, so everything seems to be O.K.

Ken: Vibrating?

Todd: Well, as Bob said when he endorsed the Lakeland outpouring, if you vibrate clockwise that's a righteous thing. But vibrating counter-clockwise is of the devil. BAM! SHEEKA BAM!

Ken: Huh?

Todd: Sorry, I saw that on Emeril. Just thought it was sort of fun. I use it on stage. It's kinda fun to scare the hell out of people. Makes 'em fall down if I don't blow hard enough.

Ken: Speaking of blowing, Isn't Paul Cain, alcoholic and practicing homosexual one of the original Kansas City Prophets guys that made Bob Jones famous?

Todd: Yea, but I really like Paul. Kids really like him and I actually meet a lot of kids hanging around Paul.

Ken: Really? So he helps you in your ministry to young children.

Todd: Yea, I love children. Every chance I get I minister to children. Ken, you suppose I could take a few little ones on that X-10 Jet of yours? BAM! KABOOM! SHABANG SHEEKA SHEEKA!

Ken: Todd, would you stop doing that...at least until the interview is over?

Todd: Sorry Ken.

Ken: About the X-10 Todd, we'll have to look into that. We were just about to take a hunting..er ministry trip to Africa.

Todd: Speaking of Africa, I raised 3,458 people from the dead in Africa over the cellphone! FIRE FIRE FIRE!

Ken: Todd please!

Todd: Sorry.

Ken: Back to the miracles. That's cool Todd. Gloria and I do a lot of miracles there where the press doesn't try to bother us so much with all that verifying stuff. People just have more faith in Africa. They're sowing into our ministry like crazy!

Ken: By the way Todd, why does your head shake like that?

Todd: It started one day SHEEKA on the playground Ken. Just watching little kids go back and forth on the playground. Haven't been able to stop it ever since then.

Bless my most high god Todd. I guess that's all for today. Gloria and I have to go pray over the letters in our warehouse so we can tell the news guys that we pray over every letter. We'll check into the whole X-10 thing and get back with you.