Friday, August 29, 2008

The Cindy Jacobs Collection

The Cindy Jacobs Collection
Fake Kenneth Copeland: Bless god, HALLELUJAH PARTNERS! Today, I'd like to introduce you to a long-time friend of mine -- one of my very best friends, in fact. Her name is Cindy Jacobs. Cindy lives right here in Dallas, bless god, and believe it or not, she is mine and Gloria's personal prophetess. You know, whenever Glo and I are faced with a big decision, we always consult Cindy. She's got a seer annointing, right Cindy?

Cindy Jacobs: That's Doctor Cindy, if you don't mind, Ken.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: You bet, Doctor Cindy. Anyway, Cindy has some big, big news about a very special line of clothing she has created. So without further delay, Cindy, the floor is yours.

Cindy Jacobs: Doctor, Ken...I have a doctorate.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Right, right. By the way, where'd you get that doctorate?

Cindy Jacobs: From Kathmandu Seminary in Nepal. May I speak now?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I'm sorry, sure. Go ahead, Cindy.

Cindy Jacobs: DOCTOR!! All right, well, as you know, Ken, I am a very annointed woman. The annointing rests heavy upon me. In fact, Charisma readers have voted my "Most Annointed Woman" for five years running now. And, Ken, as you are well aware, I absolutely love clothes. I just love 'em! You know, it's funny, my kids say I am a freak for clothes. And they're right. I am mad for clothes.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: And?

Cindy Jacobs: Well, one day while I was soaking in a special salt bath -- the salt came from the Dead Sea, thank you very much -- while I was soaking, Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit in an audible voice. Clear as day, He said: "When I was naked, you did not clothe me."

Fake Kenneth Copeland: The words of Jesus?

Cindy Jacobs: Sure, sure. Anyway, I rightly divided the word -- I do have a doctorate, you know -- and I knew then and there what God wanted me to do.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: And what was that?

Cindy Jacobs: Well, isn't it obvious? Doh! He was asking me to create a line of designer clothing.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Now that is exciting! Tell us more!

Cindy Jacobs: I don't mean to keep tooting my own horn here, but as I've said before, I am very, very annointed. The most annointed, according to Charisma. I exude the annointing. God revealed to me that the annointing which I bear is unlike any other. God actually told me that this annointing is transferrable.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That's all very interesting, but what does that have to do with your new line of designer clothing?

Cindy Jacobs: It has everything to do with it, Ken. Don't you see, Ken. I have an Elijah annointing. I can transfer my annointing to the clothes.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Cha-Ching!

Cindy Jacobs: Exactly. So you see where I'm going with this. Honestly, Ken, I think I'm sitting on a goldmine here. I can transfer my annointing to each any every piece of clothing we produce. Any self-respecting Charismatic woman who wants to look her best and operate in apostolic power will definitely be wearing Cindy Jacobs this year.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Aren't you really saying that, as Christians, we don't have to settle for second-class garments or hand-me-downs? I mean, we're King's Kids, right?

Cindy Jacobs: Ken, that is exactly what I'm saying.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Boy, this puts a whole new spin to whole "walking in the annointing" thing. Partners, this is very exciting! All right, Cindy, this new line of designer clothes, will it just be for women? You're not gonna leave us boys out in the rain, are you?

Cindy Jacobs: Ha, ha! No, Ken, don't worry. I've designed some very nice things for you men. In fact, we've sent prototypes of all Cindy Jacobs designs to every male member of the International Coalition of Apostles. So far, we've gotten nothing but rave reviews.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Amen!

Cindy Jacobs: Annnndddd. Also, for you fellas...

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yea? Yeaaaa?

Cindy Jacobs: I have designed a special line of very naughty underthings just for the gals. I'm calling it the "Simply Cindy" collection. Pure silk. Crimson and hot pink. You know Victoria's Secret?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That is none of your bidness.

Cindy Jacobs: Huh?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Never mind. Continue.

Cindy Jacobs: And like everything else in the line, each item in the "Simply Cindy" collection is embroidered with a scripture verse. And, again, they all come with my transferrable annointing.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: What about washing? Does it dilute the annointing?

Cindy Jacobs: No, it doesn't. Same for dry-cleaning. I've written extensively about this subject in my book, The Super-Natural Life. Chapter 4 is entitled "Does Dry Cleaning Hurt the Anointing?" Seriously. Check out my book and you'll see.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, final question. I'm sorry to do this, but you know Grassley has been riding my butt these last few months. So I have to ask you: where does the money go?

Cindy Jacobs: A portion of every purchase will go toward keeping my web site, Generals International, up and running. The rest of the money will go to fund my Light The Highway project. Have you heard of it?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No.

Cindy Jacobs: Oh, it's great. Light The Highway is dedicated to people who want to make Interstate 35 a highway for the Lord.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Interstate 35? Why I-35?

Cindy Jacobs: Because that is the highway God speaks about in Isaiah 35.

"And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness" -- Isaiah 35:8
Fake Kenneth Copeland: I see. And you're saying that Interstate 35 equals Isaiah 35.

Cindy Jacobs: That's right.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: You know, don't you, that chapters weren't added to the Bible until around the 13th century?

Cindy Jacobs: I know! Isn't that awesome how God knew about I-35 way back then?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Hmm. Okay, well, that's all we have time for today. Cindy, thank you so much for stopping by. I know in my knower that you are gonna do gangbusters with the Cindy Jacobs collection. You have a very strong annointing. You'll do well. I decree it!

Cindy Jacobs: Thank you, Ken. And it's Doctor.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Cindy, can I be a distributer in Australia, we're really into all this stuff over here especially since my pastor and his wife came back from Lakeland with the annointing. We took up a huge offering so they could go over and get "it" and bring it back to us. We're sooo into prosperity we're rolling in it, just a bit concerned about the $1000 I gave to Toddy, still waiting for my 1000 percent increase in fact come to think about it, I'm a few increases behind, I think Emma has forgotten me after her sex change op. Oh and would you recommend wearing several layers of your clothes so I can get more annointings. That would be a good sales pitch. Can I suggest lots of supernatural bling attached too as that would sure get the ladies in. I'm also a close friend of "Ivor Biggin" (have you heard of him?) he would make a great distributor too. Waiting to hear from you,
harji aka Margie In Oz

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are back, Ken

Miriam from endtimesprophetic

(I have linked to you) - please write a book, I have not laughed so much since Adrian Plass.

Unknown said...

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Anonymous said...

I take it you can't find anything else to do?

daughterofzion said...

Ken, where are you. We need some humour in these troubling times. The heretics out there would be funny if they were only kidding like Melissa Fischers "Mortuary Ministry". Maybe you could interview her. Blessings

Anonymous said...

The further I go, the more astounded I am. Satire? How, in any way, shape, or form is something like this beneficial? Apparently, it is all done in the name of a good laugh and if I don't find it funny, I don't have a sense of humor?
The only funny thing I see is an uninformed, mean spirited attempt at putting someone who you clearly don't know down.
Do you think this is pleasing to God? Do you think He's laughing? I guess we aren't reading the same bible. The one I like mentions things like "You will know them by their love". "judge not, lest you be judged".
Do you realize that these people you so callously criticize have families who have had to deal with people like you since childhood? Do you have any idea how many times I came home crying growing up because of people like you?
It's one thing to have differences of opinion in the body of Christ. In fact, it is something that should be celebrated and I'm all for accountability.
So, since you are so quick to point the finger and make sexually suggestive "jokes" about MY mother. Answer for yourself. How is this what God would want you to do?
I pity you.
Danieljacobsmedia@yahoo.com

Lame said...

Let us be sure of what we do people.Let us learn to think thorougly before we act people.If my memory serves me right the bible that i am reading tells me there should be no coarse jokes that is found on our lips.Respect is one thing that one should have whether christian or not.Lord have mercy,!! i Hope they didn know what they were doing

Anonymous said...

Hello Fake Kenneth Copeland,
It is one thing to attack the false doctrines but it is totally unacceptable to attack an individual with sexually suggestive comments. Also it is not a good idea to link the Word of faith movement with Cindy Jacobs who is not WoF. If we need to counter the false teachings of WoF we need to refrain from making these kind of personal attacks. That is not going to change anything but it will weaken our reputation in fighting the false teachings. Remember our target audience is people who are enslaved by the WoF teachings. Making such sexually suggestive remarks against Cindy Jacobs is not going to help anyone.

Anonymous said...

All said & done, Kenneth Copeland is a mega rich fraud, abusing Christianity for his own gains. K.C. can preach until his cock get wedged up his arse but he is forever a fraud pastor. A big con with the same worldly desires as many others. Copeland adds that he flies his private jets because there are demons flying with the airlines. It takes one demon to recognise another and like repels like ! In short, Kenneth Copeland is one big fucked up cunt, defrauding the church. Jesus will want K. Copeland to go out & serve the homeless & those in poverty. Not live like a drug baron and own big mansions. Kenneth Cunt Copeland, get your priorities right. You don't need all that money. You can give a part of that towards charity and help people get off the streets into proper housing.