I'm deeply troubled

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Hello, Partners. I must tell you I am burdened in my spirit today. As you all know, I walk in the annointing -- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But today...sigh...I am bearing a heavy, heavy load.

John Hagee: Snap out of it, Ken! You're a king's kid, dad-gum it! Shake it off!

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Sorry, John, not today. The burden is just too great.

Benny Hinn: What is it, Ken? Are you opressed?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No, Benny, it's something far worse. And frankly, as a little god one of God's generals, I should have seen it coming.

Cindy Jacobs: You're in pain, aren't you Ken? Yes, that's it...God is revealing it to me even now. I have a seer annointing, you know. And a doctorate from Kathmandu.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No, Cindy, it's far worse than that.

Cindy Jacobs: Doctor Jacobs.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Whatever, no it's....well, I guess I'll just come out and say it. The doctors have found a --.

Cindy Jacobs: A growth! I knew it!

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Would you SHUT UP! No, it's not a growth. My doctors have found a....birthmark.

John Hagee: I don't understand, Ken. Why is a little god man of God like you even going to a doctor?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Well, John, it's...complicated. Of course, I walk in divine health. However, I regularly visit the doctor to confirm what I already know in my knower, which is the simple fact that I am in perfect health.

Bob Jones: Can I see your birthmark?

Benny Hinn: Why is this birthmark so troubling to you, Ken?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: It's shaped like...uh...a number.

John Hagee: What number, Ken?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Uh...I'd rather not say.

Bob Jones: Where is it?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Not that it's any of your business, Bob, but it's on my left buttocks.

Bob Jones: Can I see it?

John Hagee: I see. So in other words, it's on your left behind?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yes...(sob)

Benny Hinn: A number? Can you give us a range of numbers?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Sure, it's between one and seven.

Cindy Jacobs: Wait, wait, don't tell me...It's five! I got it! Oh, I am so awesome!

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No.

Creflo Dollar: What's wrong with getting tatoos?

Juanita Bynum: You guys keep talking...I'm just gonna roll around on the floor for a while.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: It's a birthmark, Creffy, not a tatoo. A tattoo would be a defilement of my holy temple.

Paul White: Well, I think tatoos on a man are hot!

Benny Hinn: Is it between five and seven?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yes.

Bob Jones: It's three! I just saw three angels!

John Hagee: So you have a tattoo shaped like the number "6" on your left behind?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: This is what I'm saying, yes.

Perry Stone: This is not new information to me. I have sources at the highest levels of the Knesset. I have enhanced satellite imagery of you and Glo sun-bathing in your birthday suits while on a "ministry" trip to Cancun. An Israeli satellite.

Bob Jones: Can I see?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Perry's telling the truth.

Perry Stone: And the six on his buttocks is clearly visible.

John Hagee: Well, that's a problem, Ken. What do you want me to do?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I'm looking for advice on how to spin this, John. Once my sycophants partners find out about this, I fear they will jump to conclusions.

Benny Hinn: What? Like you're the anti-Christ?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yes. That's what I'm afraid of.

John Hagee: Can't you just confess it away...you know, speak it out of existence.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I tried that, John. It's not working.

Benny Hinn: What about lasers?

Paula White: Oh, honey, they can do amazing things with lasers these days.

Bob Jones: I once saw a demon with lasers coming out of his eyes.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Well...even if lasers worked...what about Perry?

Perry Stone: What about me? Frankly, Ken, you ought to be more concerned about spending an eternity in the raging fires of a burning hell reserved for the devil and his angels.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That did cross my mind. That, and you blackmailing me.

Perry Stone: Blackmail you? For what?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: For being the anti-Christ.

John Hagee: Is that an admission, Ken? Because if it is, I am going to have to kill you right here and now.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: NO!...no, no, no....I'm not saying I am the anti-Christ. Do I look like the anti-Christ to you? I have a Jesus plane, for crying out loud.

John Hagee: Interesting. I noticed you didn't answer the question directly, Ken. Now, I'm gonna ask you one last time. Are you, or are you not, the anti-Christ?

[To Be Continued]

The Cindy Jacobs Collection

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Bless god, HALLELUJAH PARTNERS! Today, I'd like to introduce you to a long-time friend of mine -- one of my very best friends, in fact. Her name is Cindy Jacobs. Cindy lives right here in Dallas, bless god, and believe it or not, she is mine and Gloria's personal prophetess. You know, whenever Glo and I are faced with a big decision, we always consult Cindy. She's got a seer annointing, right Cindy?

Cindy Jacobs: That's Doctor Cindy, if you don't mind, Ken.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: You bet, Doctor Cindy. Anyway, Cindy has some big, big news about a very special line of clothing she has created. So without further delay, Cindy, the floor is yours.

Cindy Jacobs: Doctor, Ken...I have a doctorate.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Right, right. By the way, where'd you get that doctorate?

Cindy Jacobs: From Kathmandu Seminary in Nepal. May I speak now?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I'm sorry, sure. Go ahead, Cindy.

Cindy Jacobs: DOCTOR!! All right, well, as you know, Ken, I am a very annointed woman. The annointing rests heavy upon me. In fact, Charisma readers have voted my "Most Annointed Woman" for five years running now. And, Ken, as you are well aware, I absolutely love clothes. I just love 'em! You know, it's funny, my kids say I am a freak for clothes. And they're right. I am mad for clothes.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: And?

Cindy Jacobs: Well, one day while I was soaking in a special salt bath -- the salt came from the Dead Sea, thank you very much -- while I was soaking, Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit in an audible voice. Clear as day, He said: "When I was naked, you did not clothe me."

Fake Kenneth Copeland: The words of Jesus?

Cindy Jacobs: Sure, sure. Anyway, I rightly divided the word -- I do have a doctorate, you know -- and I knew then and there what God wanted me to do.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: And what was that?

Cindy Jacobs: Well, isn't it obvious? Doh! He was asking me to create a line of designer clothing.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Now that is exciting! Tell us more!

Cindy Jacobs: I don't mean to keep tooting my own horn here, but as I've said before, I am very, very annointed. The most annointed, according to Charisma. I exude the annointing. God revealed to me that the annointing which I bear is unlike any other. God actually told me that this annointing is transferrable.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That's all very interesting, but what does that have to do with your new line of designer clothing?

Cindy Jacobs: It has everything to do with it, Ken. Don't you see, Ken. I have an Elijah annointing. I can transfer my annointing to the clothes.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Cha-Ching!

Cindy Jacobs: Exactly. So you see where I'm going with this. Honestly, Ken, I think I'm sitting on a goldmine here. I can transfer my annointing to each any every piece of clothing we produce. Any self-respecting Charismatic woman who wants to look her best and operate in apostolic power will definitely be wearing Cindy Jacobs this year.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Aren't you really saying that, as Christians, we don't have to settle for second-class garments or hand-me-downs? I mean, we're King's Kids, right?

Cindy Jacobs: Ken, that is exactly what I'm saying.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Boy, this puts a whole new spin to whole "walking in the annointing" thing. Partners, this is very exciting! All right, Cindy, this new line of designer clothes, will it just be for women? You're not gonna leave us boys out in the rain, are you?

Cindy Jacobs: Ha, ha! No, Ken, don't worry. I've designed some very nice things for you men. In fact, we've sent prototypes of all Cindy Jacobs designs to every male member of the International Coalition of Apostles. So far, we've gotten nothing but rave reviews.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Amen!

Cindy Jacobs: Annnndddd. Also, for you fellas...

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Yea? Yeaaaa?

Cindy Jacobs: I have designed a special line of very naughty underthings just for the gals. I'm calling it the "Simply Cindy" collection. Pure silk. Crimson and hot pink. You know Victoria's Secret?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: That is none of your bidness.

Cindy Jacobs: Huh?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Never mind. Continue.

Cindy Jacobs: And like everything else in the line, each item in the "Simply Cindy" collection is embroidered with a scripture verse. And, again, they all come with my transferrable annointing.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: What about washing? Does it dilute the annointing?

Cindy Jacobs: No, it doesn't. Same for dry-cleaning. I've written extensively about this subject in my book, The Super-Natural Life. Chapter 4 is entitled "Does Dry Cleaning Hurt the Anointing?" Seriously. Check out my book and you'll see.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Okay, final question. I'm sorry to do this, but you know Grassley has been riding my butt these last few months. So I have to ask you: where does the money go?

Cindy Jacobs: A portion of every purchase will go toward keeping my web site, Generals International, up and running. The rest of the money will go to fund my Light The Highway project. Have you heard of it?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: No.

Cindy Jacobs: Oh, it's great. Light The Highway is dedicated to people who want to make Interstate 35 a highway for the Lord.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Interstate 35? Why I-35?

Cindy Jacobs: Because that is the highway God speaks about in Isaiah 35.

"And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness" -- Isaiah 35:8

Fake Kenneth Copeland: I see. And you're saying that Interstate 35 equals Isaiah 35.

Cindy Jacobs: That's right.

Fake Kenneth Copeland: You know, don't you, that chapters weren't added to the Bible until around the 13th century?

Cindy Jacobs: I know! Isn't that awesome how God knew about I-35 way back then?

Fake Kenneth Copeland: Hmm. Okay, well, that's all we have time for today. Cindy, thank you so much for stopping by. I know in my knower that you are gonna do gangbusters with the Cindy Jacobs collection. You have a very strong annointing. You'll do well. I decree it!

Cindy Jacobs: Thank you, Ken. And it's Doctor.

Clipping John's Wings; Pastor Shepherd Has Potential

I'm sure many of you know my son, John. As CEO of Fake Kenneth Copeland Ministries, John has been getting a lot of face time lately, with all the persecution we've been getting from Mr. Grassley and the biased news coverage of the Left Wing Media, an adjunct of the National Democrat Party.

Unfortunately, John isn't doing nearly as well as I had hoped. Okay, okay, that's an understatement. Our marketing team informed me last week that John is faring very poorly with focus groups. Specific comments include: "boring," "appears disinterested," "glassy-eyed," "not as funny as his daddy," and "much too tall."

You can image how heartbreaking this news was to me. As a father, I've always wanted the best for all my kids. And, as you well know, I've done everything within my power -- and, of course, within IRS guideline -- to get it for them.

Yet, even with all the advantages that my money and my power and my fame has bought brought him, John has failed to perform. It wasn't an easy decision. Actually, it's probably been one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. But you know what? I'm a little god man of God. I must be strong. I must set an example for others.

So effective today, bless god, I'm clipping John's wings. That means no more press appearances. No more talk shows. No more all-expense paid hunting trips in my the ministry's Citation X-10 jet. And no, John will not inherit my kingdom here at Fake Kenneth Copeland Ministries.

Now for the good news. We're now taking applications for Executive VP of Fake Kenneth Copleand Ministries. With all the perks we offer, you can be sure the competition for such a position is going to be fierce.

But rather than posting a list of qualifications on Monster.Com, I thought it'd just be much easir to just post an actual video of the kind of person I'm looking for. His name is Pastor Shepherd, a fellow Texan out of Houston. He's a hard-working, ambitious young man, with some terrific ideas about how to market the gospel minister to the poor. He and his staff are doing some great work through his fledgling ministry, Prayer Hour. Mark my words, partners, this young man is definitely going places.

Pastor Shepherd, if you're out there, give me a call. My number is 1-800-GOD-CASH. We need to talk, Brother.

Bible Question from Todd

Ken & Gloria, Paula, Juanita, Jesse, BJ, Benny, MM, Bishop Hawkins, etc.:

My computer just crashed and I have lost ALL your email addresses.

Sigh.

For the time being, I guess I'm gonna have to correspond with you guys -- all fathers and mothers in the lord to me -- here on this blog. I know, I know...it's so freakin' public. But you know what? I am not ashamed to expose myself in such a public way. Let them say what they will -- we love each other I love you guys.

Ken and Granpa Bob, I really respect you guy's knowledge of the bible -- it's so simplistic, and yet a child could understand it. (Don't you just love kids!) But anyone else, hey, if you know the answer to this, please jump in. Anyway, here's my question:

Is there anywhere in the bible that SPECIFICALLY deals with the issue of the minimum age at which a person -- a girl, for example -- can get married? I have searched the scriptures, and cannot find ANYTHING.

Please get back to me as quickly as possible. I'm using a computer in the lobby, so you'll need to respond to me here in Vegas: WebMaster@GoldNuggetCasino.com. (Also, be sure to put "For Todd Bentley" in the subject.)

Thanks and peace out, dogs!

TB

P.S. Congrats on the new site, Ken. I love the green!

An Open Letter to Charles Grassley

Senator Grassley,

Frankly, my son, John, and I are tired of having to defend ourselves against your baseless accusations. Despite the scriptural admonition to provide things honest in the sight of all men, we answer to a higher authority. As a U.S. Senator, you of all people should be aware that The Constitution clearly indicates there's a wall of separation between church and state. True, we have argued against this position in the past, but we have re-evaluated our stance in light of your current attempts to hold us financially accountable.

So in my efforts to protect the names and contact information of the widows and orphans those who contribute to my jet FKCM Ministries, this is an open letter inviting you to a Texas Chainsaw Cage Match at the time and place of your choosing.

Here's how it's gonna work: Two men enter, one man leaves, hallelujah! I may be short in stature (4'3" to be exact), but I've got spunk, bless god -- and a darn fine pair of biceps if I do say so myself! If Jesus were still alive today, I know in my knower he would be rooting for me, his only son. Check the guns in my glamour shot, Chucko! You, grassboy, are about to open yourself a can of good, ol' fashioned Texas Whoopass!

Should you choose to accept my challenge, ill-advised as that would be, I figure we could charge at least $20 a head at the door. Also, I'd be willing to settle for a very modest 60% cut -- which is, my attorneys have assured me (and I'm sure you will agree) -- a very gracious offer. Of course, all access to the gross receipts for the match would be available to you only through the Internal Revenue Service.

Welcome to the jungle.

P.S. If you want to send subpoena's, send them on really soft two-ply paper. I have an idea what to do with 'em.

Arthur Burk

Arthur Burks will make a guest star appearance at the next FKCM West Coast Believers Victory Convention. This might be hard to believe but he is more spiritual than Todd Brentley. Arthur Burk has in depth teaching about sound portals, upspouts, vibrating frequencies, ley lines, and a host of other discoveries.
Brother Burk's latest discovery is "fragrance portals" -- places where fragrances from heaven can penetrate the earth realm. You may have heard Bros. Todd Bentley and Bob "Geiser" Jones talk about bringing the smell of heaven (usually vanilla) down to earth. Well, partners, Master Burk and I am currently working on a plan to use these portals to raise money for my company the Kingdom of god. Hallelujah! Think of it, partners! A chain of my Christian restaurants across the country, each one built smack-dab on top of a fragrance portal. Think of the money blessing!

We'll also be searching for a money portal when Arthur comes and possibly an escape portal just in case Grassley comes up with anything on his investigation. So join us next week partners.